August 25, 2009

it's finally hit me

At the end of every summer that I have been at camp, I have come upon "that time." "That time" that is hard to explain to anyone else unless they have lived through the same summer I have. I know that sounds snobby and rude. I know it does. Sorry. But it's kinda true.

You see, camp takes it OUT of you. In good ways, mostly. In ways that make you contemplate and mull over life. In ways that make you stare off into space for long periods of time right in the middle of when you are supposed to be DOING something. God is rolling about 2.5 million thoughts around in your head on any given day, reminding you of things that happened just a few weeks ago. Suddenly these things are beginning to make sense in the context of your life and not just the moment that they happened.

And then there is the MISSING. That's the worst part. You are making discoveries and learning new things and the actual PEOPLE you want to share it with are scattered across the globe. And they are usually having the same feelings and not able to share them either.

This all sounds like I'm talking in code, doesn't it? I wish I could explain it better. I wish I was gifted with words and could pen my thoughts eloquently. I wish that I could write what is going on in my heart, but I can't. And maybe that's just how He wants it. HE wants to be the author. HE wants to be the one who GIVES the me the words and the knowledge. HE wants me to stop trying so desperately to figure things out and just let HIM move and work and change.

And slowly, ever so slowly, I'm finally getting it.
It's hit me.
It's not about me.
Again.
It's about being less of me.

2 comments:

Gina said...

I get it.
Again, a bit jealous of the way God can move and work so freely and intensely in your life because of "where" you are.
I miss those days of being "able" to give ALL of me to Him and see Him move. Scary and miraculous all at once, making it difficult to put into words, so the depth of the experience is truly just an intimate dance between Father and daughter.
Love to hear how you are letting Him work in you and you ARE an eloquent "penner" for sure.
Thanks for sharing...always.

Caleb's Mom said...

I understand too! Most who have worked at camp (or a similar place) can, I think.