July 02, 2007

me, right now

Okay, so has this ever happened to any of you? I have been praying about something very specific for a long, long time now. I truly believe that God has been speaking back. He's been letting me know exactly what His will is. Now, I'm the type of person that needs to be reassured a thousand times, so I keep asking Him if this is what He wants. Am I following what He has planned? Over and over I feel a resounding "yes." Over and over I have peace that I am following His will right now.
Then very recently, something happened that completely negates everything. It was like God was doing a complete turn around and I'm left standing in complete disillusionment. Have I heard Him wrong? Have I been following my own agenda and not even knowing it? And amidst all of these questions, I still have complete peace about what He originally promised me. But that seems so silly cause in my eyes it's completely impossible.
I know all of this sounds very cryptic and all over the place, but that's the way my brain works. And I didn't want to go into specifics here cause it really doesn't matter what they are. It's more the fact that I am struggling with trusting God right now. I feel so blindsided, yet still so at peace with Him at the same time. Battle of flesh and the spirit, I guess.
Every summer, my prayer is that God will teach me more about Him and that I will see him in new ways. I guess I just never expect it to be so big and in my face.
So there you go... that's me right now. Completely messy and broken and vulnerable. But I'm not depressed or crying or hiding in my house. Just the opposite. I want more than ever to throw myself into this ministry that is going on right now and dive into the lives of these kids that are here this week. I WANT to be in the Word constantly. I want to talk to Him all the time, and I have been. It's driving me closer to Him and even though it's so hard, there is no where else I want to be.
Is it possible to be completely confused and comforted in that confusion at the same time?
Guess so....

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