May 17, 2011

it's the truth

When a new semester would began in college, I had my freak-outs. I would call home almost every time in tears, panicked, convinced that I would not survive in college and that this semester would be "the one" that ended me. The sight of those syllabi, piled up with projects and tests and papers and videos....even now I can feel a panic attack rising in my chest.

So, to my mommy I would go. Over the phone. In tears about how I couldn't do it. College would be the death of me. To my friends I would go with a panic stricken face begging them to help me take my mind off the insanity that was over taking me.

I'd like to say that I have conquered stress of this kind. I would like to say that I don't end up in tears or have panic attacks. I would like to tell you honestly that I don't have heart palpitations and tense muscles any more.

But all those things would be lies. This is the time of year where I am in full on panic mode. I can't sleep. I'm not really hungry. I end each day a little shaky and unbalanced because I know that it literally won't get better

I would also like to say that I've learned my lesson and have been much better at trusting the Lord to take control and ease the panic/stress. I would like to say that those old, tried and true verses that I always turn to in moments like these are instant balm to my wounds. I would like to tell you truthfully that I have grown in this area and the Lord has taught me more than I ever imagined.

But again, all that is not true. I end most days on my face searching the Word feverishly for some help. I journal 100's of words of stress-filled thoughts that MUST be written down so they don't keep floating around in my head.

So why do I continue to blog? Why not let one thing go? Well, because honestly, this helps. Writing has always been a huge stress relief for me. I feel better when I can either get my thoughts out of my head or when I can think of something else like pretty pictures or fun stories. Ninety-five percent of the time writing is not a chore to me. It's a delight. A sheer delight.

And with that, I will always give you the out to click away when I have these mental breakdown posts. But I can't lie. I can't make it look pretty all the time here. I can't make the camp life seem roses and sunsets all the time because you know what, it isn't. Some days it's 10 more things added to your plate. It's a pile of work that seems to grow instead of lessen. It's a constant battle of forcing myself to see the Lord's hand of guidance in all the madness that is going on.

plus.....I know that He has never failed, not once, in supplying exactly what we need, the moment we need it (and not a moment sooner) and the perfect amount of time to get it all completed.

In that knowledge, I will do my best to rest in Him, to trust Him, to let go of this control that I only think that I have. One of these days, I will conquer stress. It may not be until heaven, but it will be conquered.

So...take that, stress. You're going down.


Jenny L. said...

Let's fight it TOGETHER!!!!
I'm pretty sure yesterday you could've found me sucking my thumb in the corner, knees pulled up to my chest, rocking back & forth, whimpering, "I want my mommy"...... just sayin'. Maybe we should take a girls trip the first week in June? Yes?

cottage girl said...

Um, yes please. Let's abandon the craziness and just go have fun. Sometimes I want to remember what summer is like for the rest of the world...